3 Months on T: Update

Nov. 21 2023

I'm 3 months on T today! My goal is to post these updates here so that I have a textual record to look back on in the future, but I most likely won't be including photos bc privacy. I can always look back at my own photos for that. Going forward, I'm probably going to organize these updates into 3 categories:

Mental changes: basically, how is my dysphoria doing? am I experiencing Rage™? etc. I will talk in detail about things like my dysphoria here, so either future self or other internet users: proceed with caution (and possibly avoid this section if needed).
Voice changes: I'm keeping a separate audio record, but I will put my own perception about my voice changes (+ what friends/family are saying) here.
Physical changes: body hair, facial hair, fat redistro, anything else that feels relevant.

Mental Changes

Generally still craving a lot of protein and being hungry all the time.
I experienced the T Rage™ exactly once during month 3-- it was at work, someone ordered a stupid drink that doesn't exist (blended iced coffee: it just forms 2 distinct layers, a ball of ice shavings and liquid, it doesn't form a cohesive drink, why would you not just order a frap???), it spilled everywhere, i had to remake it but now my workspace was a mess, then I had to make a different drink but then I made it wrong and had to start over and hit the cup a little to hard and it broke. I almost never get angry so feeling enough rage that I broke a cup made me be like oh. I need to take a breather omg. So I got someone to cover for me and took a second in the bathroom to calm down, but it was a weird experience for me. It hasn't happened since, but I have been trying to keep an eye out in case it was T Rage™ and not just me having an exceptionally bad day.
Generally my dysphoria has been weird since starting T. In some ways it's been more manageable, like showering has been easier (new chest hair has actually really helped here -- feeling that kind of euphoria in a place that's historically caused so much pain has been weird but in a good way? it cuases a range of emotions rather than just dysphoria, which has been an improvement), I started having some rib and lower back pain from binding so much so I've had to try and work in more rest days which would've been impossible a few months ago, but now as long as I don't go down stairs or look in the mirror, it's fine. I think it's been a combination of my brain being happy to finally have the right hormones in its system improving my mental state as well as being more secure in my identity with my mom. I think part of the reason I binded so much when I got home for the summer was almost feeling like I had to perform my gender for my mom in the same way I have to in public for her to see me as a man/her son, but as I've gotten more secure in the fact that she sees me as I am, I've been able to not bind around the house as much.
In other ways though, dysphoria has been worse, like being misgendered at work doesn't cause the same helplessness/hopelessness that it did before, because I'm on T, but it can cause me to spiral at other times, because what if the T just doesn't work and I'm stuck being perceived as a woman forever because of my weight and how my fat is distributed. Similarly, what if I'm never able to afford top surgery and I'm stuck like this forever. But I've largely been able to compartmentalize and just solely think about work and getting back to school so it hasn't been causing too much mental anguish yet.

Voice Changes

No real pitch change yet, mainly resonance. My voice is slightly raspier and, if I'm actively trying, I can use a bit more vocal weight and talk from my chest more. This has helped me pass at work over the intercom, but less so in person. Whether that's a result of my physical form or being worse at maintaining Guy Voice™ without the hard trigger of pressing the intercom button, I'm not sure.
My voice has started to crack occasionally, but mainly after I've already been talking for a while. This is very exciting, except for when it happens while talking to a customer.
Circe and I are back to being indifferentiable over the phone, which is fun for me, probably less so for her. I feel bad taking joy from it because I don't want to trigger her dysphoria, so I try to not be too outwardly excited about it.
I've noticed there are a couple songs that, while possible to sing before T, were uncomfortable for my voice to reach, but are easily doable now. So maybe a very slight pitch shift?

Physical Changes

I will sum up all the hair growth here, which has really taken off during month 3: started with upper inner thighs, has spread all over my thighs aside from inner right above the knee. Lower leg hair, which previously stopped right below the knee and was noexsitent on my calves, has started thickening a little more and is slowly spreading onto my calves. Arm hair hasn't changed much, but the hairless inner forearm area is shrinking. Also, there's the aforementioned chest hair, which is still definitely sparse but more than the single hair I had pre-T. Slightly more stomach hair, though it's very fuzzy and only slightly darker, except for right around my usual injection sites, which is funny.
Facial hair only started during month 3. I have a good number of transitional hairs coming in, mainly on both cheeks, though more heavily on the right, along with a few under-the-chin hairs. Mustache hairs are nonexistent :(
My eyebrows are very slightly thicker, though this is probably only noticeable to me.
Bottom growth is slight, but noticeable.
I've gained a little weight, which has mostly gone to the upper area of my stomach that previously had, like, nothing. There's still a weird division between the 2 areas (probably due to differences in weight distribution patterns) that makes me dysphoric, but in a binder, it does make my stomach look more like a guy's than before, which is kind of affirming? I have mixed feelings about it.

As for hormone levels, I was sitting at about 280 mid-week, which according to the internet is a little below typical male range, but since I'm experiencing changes at the expected rate, my dose is staying the same (50 mg/wk).

That's about all I can think of. Until next time 🫡